Individual Therapy during Couples Therapy and What to Know

The ultimate goal of Emotionally Focused Therapy or Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, (EFT/EFCT), is to help partners safely turn towards one another in times of distress and to work through their problems from the past, the present, and the future.  This is in line of turning to an individual or couple therapist when things go wrong. That said, working with a collaborative, supportive, Emotionally Focused Individual Therapist (EFIT) while the couple is in couples therapy can be effective.  Working with an individual therapist who is not EFT trained can also be helpful except for some of the following reasons:

At times, challenges occur when partners do concurrent individual therapy while also seeking ongoing EFT/EFCT couples therapy, and each partner or one partner is still turning to their individual therapists for support, rather than taking the risk of turning toward their partner with their concerns.  The individual therapist may think they are opening up in couples therapy but that may not be the case, stalling couples therapy instead.

When this occurs, each partner may have inadvertently attached to their individual therapist which is fine if the individual client needs that support but, when they are in couples therapy this is not recommended for a good outcome and may be a warning sign.  This means when a couple hits a hard spot, their respective ‘go to’ for support is someone outside their relationship, not each other, or the couple’s therapist who can help them navigate these waters in session.  This basically leaves the couple in the same place they were when they sought couples therapy, to begin with, and is counterproductive to the EFT/EFCT process, as we are working to have the couple safely attach to one another.  This is where Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy can be different because we are working towards creating a safe, compassionate environment for both partners to work towards connection.  If the partner does not feel safe turning to the other partner, this can be explored further in individual therapy within the context of couples therapy.  In other words, the couples therapist does a breakout session for each partner, carefully balanced by exploring the blocks.  When blocks are identified, we help the partner express the block and work it through with the safe other and the therapist.  This, along with identifying the negative cycles, helps the couple work towards building their bridge of safe connection and secure attachment.

When is it recommended to see an individual therapist? There are some instances where it is recommended for one or both partners to see an individual therapist during ongoing EFT/EFCT couples therapy such as when there are substance abuse/dependence problems, also known as process addictions, that are not managed and create more distress for the individual and the relationship.   Also, major depression with suicidal ideation as well as difficulty functioning with severe anxiety and highly triggering PTSD symptoms can benefit from individual therapy during EFT/EFCT.  That said,  depression and anxiety can be reduced through the process of good couple EFT/EFCT Therapy.  Moderate to severe dissociation, as well as delusions and hallucinations, can also necessitate individual therapy during couples counseling.   In these instances listed above, both the individual and couple therapist need to effectively collaborate and communicate with one another frequently, with the client’s consent, of course, to ensure all parties are ‘on the same page’ and working towards ‘similar goals’.

Beyond these exceptions, there are several other concerns one needs to be aware of when continuing individual therapy or pursuing individual therapy during ongoing EFT/EFCT couple therapy.  There may be serious implications and complications, such as when the individual therapist and the couple therapist are working towards two opposite goals.  An example of this conflict occurs when the individual therapist believes it is in the client’s best interest to leave the marriage or the relationship and this is being explicitly or implicitly shared with the partner in individual therapy.  Or, even if the individual therapist doesn’t have an expressed opinion, but may be aligning with the individual client who has thoughts of leaving.  Sadly, this desire to leave is not being shared in the couples therapy or with the couples therapist for long periods of time, causing the couples counseling to stall. This is usually based on a desire to help the individual partner, who complains about the other partner to the individual therapist, but can lead to an inaccurate perception of the relationship by the individual therapist, as they have not worked with the partner or are getting a one-sided view of the situation.

At the same time, the individual therapist is working with one partner who is on the fence about leaving, and the EFT/EFCT couples therapist is working to deepen the relationship and has no idea that one partner is seriously intent on leaving.  This can be extremely confusing for the client and may lead to the client to act out by continuing an affair, medicating with substances or other process addictions, withdrawing as a way to cope, or not being fully engaged with the EFT process because they turn to their individual therapist as well as process addictions.  This again, stalls the couples therapy and or can lead to failure for the relationship.

I have known some couples who started with a particular couple therapist, and then the couple therapist became an individual therapist for one of the partners because the other partners didn’t feel comfortable with the therapist. This can go on for years, ten years in one case.  The individual client may believe they are working on the relationship without the partner present, which is not really individual therapy, it is relationship therapy, without the partner present and is ineffective. The rare exception to this dynamic working is when there is an EFIT Individual Therapist helping from an attachment framework.  Otherwise, most individual therapists hear one side of the relationship, the one with the partner complaining about their non-present partner, and arrive at negatively biased conclusions that drive the marriage further apart, causing the relationship to end in separation or divorce.

Now, let’s say that the withdrawing partner has left the therapy and the remaining partner then decides to work with the couple therapist, who has now become an individual therapist but was a couples therapist. It turns out, there may not be any legal implications here, but there may be some ethical contraindications, because the therapist has allowed a couple to go from the client as a relationship, to the client as an individual, which changes the therapeutic relationship between the client and the therapist.

Emotionally Focused Therapy is different because when a couple works with a certified EFT Therapist who is also a Marriage and Family Therapist, their relationship is the client.  If one of the partners is uncomfortable, CHC will work with that partner to determine what is getting in the way and do what I can to create comfort and safety.  If a partner decides therapy isn’t what they want, the couples therapy is terminated and referrals are made to other therapists, if that is what is requested.  Why?  Because, should the couple decide to return to therapy at CHC at a later time, the couple is the client once again and no significant alliance has developed between one of the partners which could cause bias and create a rupture in the therapeutic alliance should they both want to be seen again.  As a couple therapist, it is not advisable to go from seeing a couple to seeing one of the partners for an extended period of time because this creates a bias.  I do however, provide several individual sessions for each partner within the context of the relationship to learn more about the relationship with each partner individually, but this is kept in balance.

If however, access to the individual therapist by the couple therapist for one or both partners is not possible during ongoing couple therapy, the couple therapy may need to be terminated with referrals for another couples therapist or delayed until all therapists are able to be on the same page and or the individual client has worked to detached from their individual therapist in order to work towards safe attachment to their partner in couple therapy, which is the primary goal of EFT.

Working together, collaboratively, with an EFT Certified Therapist for couples work, while seeing an individual therapist, when warranted,  is imperative for the success of the relationship.  Signed releases with all parties allow for this open collaboration.

Demon Dialogues

When it comes to arguing couples tend to fall into certain patterns called the ‘Demon Dialogues‘ (click on the link to learn even more). EFT helps us identify where couples become stuck called ‘cycles’ or ‘patterns’. Once identified, it is helpful to understand how we get caught and then slow it down.

Addiction and Attachment

What we thought we knew about addiction is not quite right as evidenced by the research indicated in this amazing video by Johann Hari, as he shares how imperative attachment is for recovery.

Here is another informative, yet brief video entitled ‘Rat Park’ to help you better understand the power of connection when it comes to recovery from addiction and what drives that.

Give a listen to Sam Tieleman’s presentation on Sexual Intimacy as it relates to addiction, in this case drinking, with a live couple who was willing to share their process to better understand what a couple therapy session sounds utilizing EFT.

Looking at attachment as it relates to addiction is a revolutionary concept that changes the way we see and treat addiction.  On this link JimThomas, LMFT from Colorado shares his expertise regarding shame and recovery as it relates to healing from substances.  If you want only his presentation, start at minute 14.

In this The Couch PodCast with Michael Barnett LCP  from Atlanta, Michael shares his experience working with couples struggling with addiction by utilizing the power of Emotionally Focused Therapy compared to other  forms of therapy in order to better help partners heal from substance issues.

The Costs of Divorce vs. the best Couple Therapy

Awhile back, you discussed couple therapy with your partner, but for whatever reason, it didn’t happen then.  Turns out most couples come to therapy a good 6 years later then when it would have been ideal to start. But, because the negative cycles between you were so bad, you couldn’t even decide on someone together, and now ‘it is crunch time’.  No pressure here, but it is important to know how divorce can affect your relationship and your future compared to effective, and by that I am referring to, Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples as one of the best, and well researched, couple therapy currently.

Nancy Michaels has written an eye-opening article entitled ‘Divorce = $1000,000 Love is Grand, but When It’s Gone, Divorce Can Cost More Than Twenty Grand’,  In this article Nancy paints the picture for the average couple regarding the average costs of divorce, depending on your situation.

In another article by Frank Ginzburg, there are other financial costs to consider when comparing divorce to couple therapy:

  • Splitting property, investments and income.
  • Retirement accounts will need to be separated, which will likely incur fees.
  • After divorce, you will probably need to obtain two separate medical benefits packages.
  • child custody and visitation, as well as babysitting, may have financial implications.
  • Legal fees can become a major factor in divorce. Legal fees can range in the tens of thousands or more.
  • Compared to extensive EFT couple therapy with a certified EFT therapist, which can cost as little as a few thousand dollars.
  • The same income you and your spouse receive now will need to support two separate households – making it unlikely that you and your spouse will be able to continue on in the level you have been accustomed to.
  • Disagreements, complicated settlements and/or complicated custody decisions can cause legal fees to be become exorbitant.
  • At times, one person, either by intention or obstinacy or even misunderstanding, can drive up the legal expenses for both partners considerably.

You do the math, because at the end of the day there is no comparison.  Besides, returning to a loving, healed relationship with your partner and creating a space for your child or children to witness parents who can work through struggles and stay connected is worth it on so many levels.

 

 

 

How long does EFT Couples Therapy last?

While there is no exact answer to this question, the research shows that Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) has been demonstrated to help couples without histories of trauma, affairs, addictions, and aggression in as little as 15-22 sessions. This means that if you or your partner have a history of trauma, affairs, addictions, aggression (but not physical abuse), EFT may last longer than 15-22 sessions due to the relationship attachment injuries. It is important to note that outcome research for couples struggling with infidelity who seek EFT have reached higher levels of success than other forms of couple therapy, upwards of 70 to 90%.  Combined with a caring, compassionate EFT therapist, the relationship can even become more connected than before.

What is the difference between Neediness and sharing your Needs?

So the topic of expressing needs vs. being needy came up recently and I thought this was such an important issue that ‘needs’ to be more fully explored and understood.  It is not easy letting your partner know your needs, especially when there have been very negative interactional cycles hijacking your relationship and not allowing for safety.  We may fear being seen as ‘weak’ or ‘needy’ when it comes to letting our loved one know our needs, so we march on and believe in some way they should just know what we need and not have to tell them.  Then again, this could fuel the negative pattern we are caught in because if they don’t know our needs, they won’t be able to be there.  All too often we then end up feeling crushed because they aren’t there for us so we respond coldly or angrily, leaving them to wonder what has made us upset now, and further fueling the negative cycle.

Please be advised, asking to have our needs met works best when we are not caught in negative cycles with our partners.  This is the first Stage of EFT, and sometimes the longest part and most challenging part of helping couples gradually reconnect.  Staying out of negative cycles is not easy, but better yet, understanding them and helping each other understand and guide each other out of them, is what it is all about.  To learn more about negative cycles, please go to the menu bar for ‘Couples Therapy’.

Securely attached individuals ask in a healthy way for their needs to be met in times of need, and expect them to be. This is not easy for those working toward earned secure attachment and still stuck in cycles. This may lead to questions such as: Are my needs legitimate? Can you really be there for me or will you let me down again? Will I get stung or rejected, or will you only sometimes meet my needs if I ask for them to be met? Will you outright neglect my needs?  All of this is vulnerable and scary as it is unknown territory because we are taking a big risk putting ourselves out there and potentially being hurt, especially if we have been hurt in the past. 

The article listed here, by my colleague, explores how ‘neediness vs. asking for our needs to be met’ provides further clarification.  So next time you are hoping your partner will get your needs met without you having to ask and then feeling let down when it doesn’t happen, take a moments and ask yourself, ‘Did I let him/her know what I needed in a heathy way that gives them a chance to be there fore me?’

Oh and by the way, understanding attachment, the cornerstone of connection, can help us comprehend why sharing our needs and having them responded to is so important.  Attachment, which starts out in infancy  (please type ‘Attachment’ in the search bar of my website to learn more about this very important process) indicates that we are hard-wired to connect and that we are more likely to evolve and be fully ourselves when we experience the love and belonging of another.  When our significant other isn’t there, or has let us down, it makes sense that we worry they won’t be there for us again in the future.  However, once the negative patterns slow down between the two of you, it can become safer to request your needs in a healthy manner and have them be heard.  That is, neither hinting sarcastically or overtly demanding, but being able to withstand a loving choice by our partner to not meet the need, is important for us to learn and experience as well.

 

 

Marriage Counseling help about Infidelity, Verbal Abuse and Soulmates

 Even if you are in ongoing marriage counseling or couples therapy or just want to know about very important issues that plague all relationships, read on and watch this video presentation from Dr. Susan Johnson, the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy.  Her wisdom on cheating and what it represents(minute 4:50 ) for both partners and how to heal it is very interesting.  Also, don’t miss what it means when a partner verbally abuses the other and what is under the anger and biting comments (minute 3:00). You know how everyone tells you you need to have a close connected relationship with your parent or parents in order to have a good relationship with your partner, there is more to that that as well which may surprise you. (minute 8:19).  That is not all Dr. Johnson shares with humor and expertise, so sit back watch with your loved one and become more connected.

Oh by the way, once there at the ‘Revitalize’ conference site put on by ‘Mind Body Green’, there is so much else offered about health and healing your won’t want to miss, and it is all accessible to you just by going to the top of the site where Sue gave her presentation here. So check it out especially if you have been feeling sick or exhausted and cannot seem to explain what is happening. There is a ‘love revolution’ happening through Emotionally Focused Therapy  along with a ‘health and food revolution’ and Mind Body Green is helping us get it in so many ways. Just the way we need to make changes in our relationship, we need to make changes in what we eat and how we treat our bodies. It is all connected!