This is a new video on how partners become stuck in the negative, interactional cycle where pursuers are a bit like badgers and withdrawers become more like turtles. A great way to learn about the negative interactional cycles where one pushes for contact and the other avoids connection.
Demon Dialogues
When it comes to arguing couples tend to fall into certain patterns called the ‘Demon Dialogues‘ (click on the link to learn even more). EFT helps us identify where couples become stuck called ‘cycles’ or ‘patterns’. Once identified, it is helpful to understand how we get caught and then slow it down.
Addiction and Attachment
What we thought we knew about addiction is not quite right as evidenced by the research indicated in this amazing video by Johann Hari, as he shares how imperative attachment is for recovery.
Here is another informative, yet brief video entitled ‘Rat Park’ to help you better understand the power of connection when it comes to recovery from addiction and what drives that.
Give a listen to Sam Tieleman’s presentation on Sexual Intimacy as it relates to addiction, in this case drinking, with a live couple who was willing to share their process to better understand what a couple therapy session sounds utilizing EFT.
Looking at attachment as it relates to addiction is a revolutionary concept that changes the way we see and treat addiction. On this link JimThomas, LMFT from Colorado shares his expertise regarding shame and recovery as it relates to healing from substances. If you want only his presentation, start at minute 14.
In this The Couch PodCast with Michael Barnett LCP from Atlanta, Michael shares his experience working with couples struggling with addiction by utilizing the power of Emotionally Focused Therapy compared to other forms of therapy in order to better help partners heal from substance issues.
Is Individual Therapy during Couples Therapy a good idea?
The primary goal of EFT Couple Therapy is to help partners safely turn to one another in times of distress, and to work through their problems from the past and present for the rest of their relationship together, rather than turning to an individual or couple therapist when things go wrong.
Sometimes, challenges can occurs when partners do concurrent individual therapy while also doing ongoing EFT couple therapy, and each or both partners are still turning to their individual therapists for support rather than risking, with the EFT therapist’s help, to turn to their partners. What can happen instead is each partner may have attached to their individual therapist. This means, when a couple hits a hard spot, their respective ‘go to’ for support is someone outside their relationship, not each other. This basically leaves the couple in the same place when they started seeking couple therapy and is counterproductive to the EFT process where we are working to have the couple safely attach to one another.
There are some instances where it is recommended one or both partners see an individual therapist during ongoing EFT couple therapy such as when there are substance abuse/dependence problems, also known as process addictions, that are not managed. Also, major depression with suicidal ideation, difficulty functioning with severe anxiety and highly triggering PTSD symptoms. Moderate to severe dissociation, as well as delusions and hallucinations. In these instances, both the individual and couple therapists would need to communicate with one another frequently, with the client’s consent, of course, to ensure all parties are ‘on the same page’ and working towards ‘similar goals’.
Beyond these exceptions, there are several other concerns one needs to be aware of when continuing individual therapy or pursing individual therapy during ongoing EFT couple therapy. There may be serious implications and complications, such as when the individual therapist and the couple therapist are working towards two opposite goals. An example of this conflict occurs is when the individual therapist believes it is in the client’s best interest to leave the marriage or the relationship and this is being implicitly shared with the partner in individual therapy. This is usually based on a desire to help the individual partner, who complains of the partner to the therapist, but can lead to an inaccurate perception of the relationship, as they have not worked with the partner.
At the same time the individual therapist is working with one partner on the fence about leaving, the EFT couple therapist is working to deepen the relationship. This can be extremely confusing for the client and may lead to the client acting out by continuing an affair, medicating with substances or other process addictions, as a way to cope, or not being fully engaged with the EFT process. This may also harken back to an earlier time, such as when the client’s parents were arguing or disconnected and the client fell through the cracks as a kid or teen while being given confusing messages from authority figures. It also makes the couple therapy very arduous and unproductive, causing the process to stall, if not fail.
I have known some couples who started with a particular couple therapist, and then that couple therapist became an individual therapist to one of the partners, because one of the partners didn’t feel comfortable and the therapist. This can go on for years, ten years in one case that I am aware of. The now, individual client, may believe that they are working on the relationship without the partner present, which is not really individual therapy, it is relationship therapy, without the partner, and is ineffective. The rare exception to this dynamic working is when there is an EFT Individual Therapist (EFIT) helping from an attachment framework. Otherwise, most individual therapists hear one side of the relationship, the one with the partner complaining about their non-present partner, and arrive at negatively, biased conclusions that drive the marriage further apart, causing the relationship to end in separation or divorce.
Now, let’s say that the withdrawing partner has left the therapy and the remaining partner then decides to work with the couple therapist, who has now become an individual therapist. It turns out, there may not be any legal implications here, but there may be some ethical contraindications, because the therapist has allowed a couple to go from the client as a relationship, to the client as an individual, which changes the therapeutic relationship between the client and the therapist. Again, this is where Emotionally Focused Therapy is different. When a couple comes to see me, a certified EFT Therapist, their relationship is my client. If one of the partners is uncomfortable, I will work with that partner to determine what is getting in the way and do what I can to creating comfort. If a partner decides therapy isn’t what they want, the therapy is terminated and referrals are made to individual therapists, if that is what is requested. Why? Because, should the couple decide to return to therapy at CHC at a later time, the couple is the client once again and no significant alliance that has developed between one of the partners which could cause bias and create a rupture in the therapeutic alliance. As a couple therapist, it is not advisable to go from seeing a couple, to seeing one of the partners for an extended period of time. I do however, provide one or two individual sessions to learn more about the relationship from each side of the bridge.
What else can happen when a couple therapist goes from individual therapy to couple therapy with the same partner? The client, who is supposed to be doing ‘individual work’ is actually doing ‘couples therapy’ without the partner present which is baised. When the therapist hears how miserable their client is as they complain and vent about their partner in the individual therapy, the individual therapist becomes supportive toward the client rather than the relationship and this can result in the therapist inadvertently persuading the client to leave the partner or block attachment to their partner. The biggest problem here, and there are many, is the therapist is getting a skewed view of the situation from the individual client who used to be seen as a couple and is not working from an attachment frame, which can negatively affect the couple therapy.
Also, and this is the big one, rather than helping the partner attach to their relationship parter through EFT therapy, the partner attaches, or is attached to the individual therapist and the partner and the relationship is left on the sidelines to continue on the path of disconnection and failure. When you inadvertently choose between connecting with your individual therapist or your partner, this is a major warning sign. This is where Emotionally Focused Therapy is more effective, because by creating a safe, compassionate environment for both partners to work towards connection. Now the couple can work through their differences by understanding their negative cycle and work towards building their bridge of safe connection and secure attachment.
If an individual therapist is working with one of the partners of a couple who is in ongoing couple therapy, it is so important that all parties not collude with the individual client against the relationship or other partner by creating ‘secrets’ or biases. One way to ensure all parties are on this same page is for the couple to sign a ‘release of information form’ and to sign a ‘no secrets agreement’ in order for the therapists to communicate with the individual therapist to further the relationship and all be on the same page.
If however, access to the individual therapist by the couple therapist for one or both partners is not possible during ongoing couple therapy, the couple therapy may need to be terminated or delayed until all therapists are on the same page and or the individual client has worked to detached from their individual therapist in order to safely attaching to their partner, which is the primary goal of EFT.
Working together, collaboratively, with an EFT Certified therapist for couples work, while seeing an individual therapist, when warranted, is imperative for the success of the relationship. Signed releases with all parties allow for open collaboration.
The Costs of Divorce vs. the best Couple Therapy
Awhile back, you discussed couple therapy with your partner, but for whatever reason, it didn’t happen then. Turns out most couples come to therapy a good 6 years later then when it would have been ideal to start. But, because the negative cycles between you were so bad, you couldn’t even decide on someone together, and now ‘it is crunch time’. No pressure here, but it is important to know how divorce can affect your relationship and your future compared to effective, and by that I am referring to, Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples as one of the best, and well researched, couple therapy currently.
Nancy Michaels has written an eye-opening article entitled ‘Divorce = $1000,000 Love is Grand, but When It’s Gone, Divorce Can Cost More Than Twenty Grand’, In this article Nancy paints the picture for the average couple regarding the average costs of divorce, depending on your situation.
In another article by Frank Ginzburg, there are other financial costs to consider when comparing divorce to couple therapy:
- Splitting property, investments and income.
- Retirement accounts will need to be separated, which will likely incur fees.
- After divorce, you will probably need to obtain two separate medical benefits packages.
- child custody and visitation, as well as babysitting, may have financial implications.
- Legal fees can become a major factor in divorce. Legal fees can range in the tens of thousands or more.
- Compared to extensive EFT couple therapy with a certified EFT therapist, which can cost as little as a few thousand dollars.
- The same income you and your spouse receive now will need to support two separate households – making it unlikely that you and your spouse will be able to continue on in the level you have been accustomed to.
- Disagreements, complicated settlements and/or complicated custody decisions can cause legal fees to be become exorbitant.
- At times, one person, either by intention or obstinacy or even misunderstanding, can drive up the legal expenses for both partners considerably.
You do the math, because at the end of the day there is no comparison. Besides, returning to a loving, healed relationship with your partner and creating a space for your child or children to witness parents who can work through struggles and stay connected is worth it on so many levels.
How EFT can save your relationship and the steps we can take to do it.
Dr. Susan Johnson helps us understand how Emotionally Focused Therapy can SAVE your relationship and give us the EFT steps to help us do it. Don’t miss this great article.
The power of love when open heart surgery stalls
After heart replacement surgery, each person in this video struggled with depression and healing. That all changed when they got to know each other. Doctors were amazed by their recovery, one doctor noting that there isn’t much science to explain this, but it is explained in ‘Love Sense’ and we are more and more amazed by the ‘Power and Healing of Love’
How long does EFT Couples Therapy last?
While there is no exact answer to this question, the research shows that Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) has been demonstrated to help couples without histories of trauma, affairs, addictions, and aggression in as little as 15-22 sessions. This means that if you or your partner have a history of trauma, affairs, addictions, aggression (but not physical abuse), EFT may last longer than 15-22 sessions due to the relationship attachment injuries. It is important to note that outcome research for couples struggling with infidelity who seek EFT have reached higher levels of success than other forms of couple therapy, upwards of 70 to 90%. Combined with a caring, compassionate EFT therapist, the relationship can even become more connected than before.
What is the difference between Neediness and sharing your Needs?
So the topic of expressing needs vs. being needy came up recently and I thought this was such an important issue that ‘needs’ to be more fully explored and understood. It is not easy letting your partner know your needs, especially when there have been very negative interactional cycles hijacking your relationship and not allowing for safety. We may fear being seen as ‘weak’ or ‘needy’ when it comes to letting our loved one know our needs, so we march on and believe in some way they should just know what we need and not have to tell them. Then again, this could fuel the negative pattern we are caught in because if they don’t know our needs, they won’t be able to be there. All too often we then end up feeling crushed because they aren’t there for us so we respond coldly or angrily, leaving them to wonder what has made us upset now, and further fueling the negative cycle.
Please be advised, asking to have our needs met works best when we are not caught in negative cycles with our partners. This is the first Stage of EFT, and sometimes the longest part and most challenging part of helping couples gradually reconnect. Staying out of negative cycles is not easy, but better yet, understanding them and helping each other understand and guide each other out of them, is what it is all about. To learn more about negative cycles, please go to the menu bar for ‘Couples Therapy’.
Securely attached individuals ask in a healthy way for their needs to be met in times of need, and expect them to be. This is not easy for those working toward earned secure attachment and still stuck in cycles. This may lead to questions such as: Are my needs legitimate? Can you really be there for me or will you let me down again? Will I get stung or rejected, or will you only sometimes meet my needs if I ask for them to be met? Will you outright neglect my needs? All of this is vulnerable and scary as it is unknown territory because we are taking a big risk putting ourselves out there and potentially being hurt, especially if we have been hurt in the past.
The article listed here, by my colleague, explores how ‘neediness vs. asking for our needs to be met’ provides further clarification. So next time you are hoping your partner will get your needs met without you having to ask and then feeling let down when it doesn’t happen, take a moments and ask yourself, ‘Did I let him/her know what I needed in a heathy way that gives them a chance to be there fore me?’
Oh and by the way, understanding attachment, the cornerstone of connection, can help us comprehend why sharing our needs and having them responded to is so important. Attachment, which starts out in infancy (please type ‘Attachment’ in the search bar of my website to learn more about this very important process) indicates that we are hard-wired to connect and that we are more likely to evolve and be fully ourselves when we experience the love and belonging of another. When our significant other isn’t there, or has let us down, it makes sense that we worry they won’t be there for us again in the future. However, once the negative patterns slow down between the two of you, it can become safer to request your needs in a healthy manner and have them be heard. That is, neither hinting sarcastically or overtly demanding, but being able to withstand a loving choice by our partner to not meet the need, is important for us to learn and experience as well.
Marriage Counseling help about Infidelity, Verbal Abuse and Soulmates
Even if you are in ongoing marriage counseling or couples therapy or just want to know about very important issues that plague all relationships, read on and watch this video presentation from Dr. Susan Johnson, the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy. Her wisdom on cheating and what it represents(minute 4:50 ) for both partners and how to heal it is very interesting. Also, don’t miss what it means when a partner verbally abuses the other and what is under the anger and biting comments (minute 3:00). You know how everyone tells you you need to have a close connected relationship with your parent or parents in order to have a good relationship with your partner, there is more to that that as well which may surprise you. (minute 8:19). That is not all Dr. Johnson shares with humor and expertise, so sit back watch with your loved one and become more connected.
Oh by the way, once there at the ‘Revitalize’ conference site put on by ‘Mind Body Green’, there is so much else offered about health and healing your won’t want to miss, and it is all accessible to you just by going to the top of the site where Sue gave her presentation here. So check it out especially if you have been feeling sick or exhausted and cannot seem to explain what is happening. There is a ‘love revolution’ happening through Emotionally Focused Therapy along with a ‘health and food revolution’ and Mind Body Green is helping us get it in so many ways. Just the way we need to make changes in our relationship, we need to make changes in what we eat and how we treat our bodies. It is all connected!