Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples gets to the heart of connection through deep emotional processing that builds attachment between partners. That said, if one or both partners use substances during the ongoing therapy or, even more challenging, during the therapy itself, emotional processing is blocked, and the partners stay stuck and disconnected.
The reasons for substance use and dependence vary. There is a saying that if you ask a group of recovering alcoholics if any of them have anxiety, almost everyone in the room will raise their hand. Now, through more research, the new question is, ‘How many people have PTSD?’ among the same group of alcoholics. Again, most of the hands will go up. So what is going on here?
What the addiction community knows is that substance use typically starts young, when people are not feeling connected with their family or loved ones, and they have encountered major stressors or feel lonely with no one to turn to. Or if it starts later, it usually occurs during periods of high stress and feelings of disconnection or even trauma. The keys here are the combination of major stressors, trauma, and disconnection.
What EFT for couples and families offers is the opportunity to work through the stressors, only this time it is with the one or ones we love and feel safe with. Yes, I know- what if we don’t feel safe or connected to our partner or family member while we are doing this deep work? First, we identify the negative interactional cycles that keep us stuck, and we note how the substance enters those cycles, further dividing us from ourselves and our loved one. Typically, if a partner feels overwhelmed or unsafe, they turn to the substance (alcohol, drugs, shopping, spending, gaming, gambling, food, porn, cheating, rage, work) to avoid their pain, but this further hurts the other partner and ultimately hurts the one with the addiction or substance issue, and it blocks connection.
The reality is emotional pain hurts; we medicate it to stop the pain, but it comes back, only now there are more complications. DUIs, hurled insults at the partner, tragic decisions that cannot be undone, and worst of all, ‘shame’. Shame can lead to further substance use, so it becomes a chronic, vicious negative self-cycle, but it also overlaps into the relationship in destructive ways, creating more negative cycles. To learn more about how EFT for couples can help, go here.
