There are some instances where it is recommended for one or both partners to see an individual therapist during ongoing EFCT/Couple or EFFT/Family Therapy.

1. Ongoing Substance Abuse/Dependence Problems, also known as process addictions, that are not managed and can create more distress in the relationship.  Alcohol, drugs, shopping and spending, gambling, gaming, porn, technology, social media, food, work, rage, and affairs (if there is more of an addiction component). It is stronly advisable that the individual therapist has extensive training and expertise in the type of addiction work they are doing. 

2. Ongoing Mental Health Issues: Major depression with suicidal ideation, as well as difficulty functioning with severe anxiety and highly triggered PTSD symptoms. Bipolar disorder can be of benefit to the partner doing individual therapy while in ongoing EFCT and EFFT*. Moderate to severe dissociation, as well as delusions and hallucinations, can also necessitate individual therapy during couples counseling. In these instances, both individual and couples therapists would need to collaborate and communicate effectively with one another periodically, with the client’s consent and an ROI, to ensure all parties are ‘on the same page’ and working towards ‘similar goals’.

  *As a side note, mild depression and moderate anxiety can be effectively reduced through the process of effective EFCT and EFFT, without individual treatment on the side. Helping partners learn how these mental health issues show up in the relationship and perpetuate a negative cycle between partners, which can worsen symptoms, can be helpful as a way to tame it and help partners connect during times where one or both struggle.

Concerns to be aware of if one or both partners are in individual therapy while concurrently being seen for couple and family therapy.  

There may be profound implications and complications when the individual therapist and the couple therapist are working towards two opposite goals. An example of this conflict occurs when the individual therapist believes it is in the client’s best interest to leave the marriage or relationship, and this belief is explicitly or implicitly shared in individual therapy.  Or even if the individual therapist doesn’t have an expressed opinion, they may align with their client who is considering leaving or is no longer in love with their partner.  Sadly, this lack of desire or desire to leave is not being shared in couples therapy, causing the couples or family counseling to stall.

This is usually based on the individual therapist’s desire to help their client, who complains about the other family member, by addressing the issue with their individual therapist. Still, it can lead to an inaccurate perception of the relationship, as they have not worked with the partner or family member and are getting a one-sided, skewed view of the situation.

At the same time, the individual therapist is working with one partner who is on the fence about leaving, and the couples therapist is working to deepen the relationship, with no idea that one partner is seriously intent on leaving or is no longer in love.  This can be highly confusing to both partners and may lead to acting out behaviors such as continuing an affair, continuing to medicate with substances, or other process addictions, including anger and rage, to manage.

The more typical behaviors of withdrawal or escalation are ways to cope with distress and exacerbate the negative cycle.  This causes one or both partners not to be fully engaged with the EFT process because they continue to turn to their individual therapist as well as their process addictions as a way to manage rather than. processing with their partner.  As stated previously, this causes the EFT therapy to stall and can lead to failure.

I have known some couples who started with a particular couple therapist, but then the couple or family therapist became an individual therapist for one partner because the other partner didn’t feel comfortable with them. This can go on for years, ten years in one case that I am aware of.  The individual client may believe they are working on the relationship without the partner present, which is not individual therapy; it is relationship therapy without the partner, making it ineffective and distorting the therapist’s perspective of the partner. The rare exception to this dynamic can occur when an EFIT (Emotionally Focused Individual Therapist) is working from an attachment framework.  Otherwise, most individual therapists hear one side of the relationship, the one with the partner complaining about their non-present partner, and arrive at negatively biased conclusions that drive the marriage further apart, causing the relationship to end in separation or divorce.

Now, let’s say that the withdrawing partner has left the therapy, and the remaining partner decides to continue working with the couple’s therapist, who has now become an individual therapist. There may not be any legal implications here, but there could be some ethical contraindications. The therapist has allowed a couple to transition from the client as a relationship to the client as an individual, which changes the therapeutic relationship between the client and the therapist.  This is where Emotionally Focused Therapy is different.

 When a couple comes to see me, a certified EFCT and EFFT Therapist, the relationship is my client.  If one of the partners is uncomfortable, I will work with that partner to determine what is getting in the way and do what I can to create comfort and safety.  

If however, access to the individual therapist by the couple or family therapist for the couple or family is not possible during ongoing couple therapy, the couple therapy may need to be terminated or delayed until all therapists can be on the same page and/or the individual client has worked to detached from their individual therapist to safely attach to their partner, which is one of the goals of EFT. An additional concern is when the individual therapist is holding secrets, colluding with the client, or is triangulating with the client. Therapy may be blocked by these types of challenges.

Working together, collaboratively, with an EFCT or EFFT  while seeing an individual therapist, preferably EFIT or a relationship-friendly individual therapist, when warranted, is supportive for the success of the relationship.  At CHC, I want to do all I can to foster a healthy, loving connection in your relationships. To learn more, go here.