Working with Families Using an Attachment Lens, EFFT therapists are bound to encounter a family that points to one of the adult children as having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  You see, when a family is under excess stress or using coping mechanisms such as alcoholism or eating disorders due to losses, for example, it can cause severe strain on one or more family members. As a way to deny the issues and say, ‘we are fine, it is just this one family member,’ they may point to the clearly problematic person, also known as the identified patient or IP.  This way,  the family hierarchy can say, ” We are not the problem; this child is. As the IP grows into adulthood, they too carry this label and burden. As this continues, the family rarely addresses their real problems, such as alcohol, Intimate Partner Violence, and/or perfectionism, to name a few ways families struggle.. 

If we dig a bit deeper, we can start to understand the BPD label and how it came to manifest in the IP. The core attachment style for BPDs is ‘Disorganized Attachment Style’. Typically, in normal development, distressed infants turn to their caregiver for safety and comfort. However, if the caregiver is medicating with substances, is rageful, and simultaneously the source of fear, abuse, neglect, or erratic, unpredictable, frightening behavior, the child is faced with a dilemma. They want to reach for the caregiver for soothing and survival, but approaching the ‘not-so-safe other’ triggers fear and danger. 

Over time, this creates a state of disorganized attachment where the child cannot form a coherent strategy to have their emotional needs met, so their nervous system remains stuck in a chronic state of panic and dysregulation. 

Fast forward to adulthood and the continuation of challenging family dynamics and the BPD is once again put in the position as the family member with a problem. 

Gently unpacking they cycles with family members by helping them slow down and utilizing EFFT (Emotionally Focused Family Therapy) can help family members become aware of new ways of interacting. Once the cycles are shifted, it is safer to explore levels of pain that can eventually be healed and to create future moments of healthy, loving connections.