Category: Affairs

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Who is EFT Couples Therapy not intended for:

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If you and your partner are experiencing the following problems, EFT is unlikely suited for you until these issues are resolved:

Domestic Violence/Intimate Partner Violence

In cases where the couple has ongoing and current relationship violence or aggression, therapy may ill advised or may be seriously contraindicated, as this could pose a safety issue. In those cases, it may be best to seek individual therapy with a therapist trained to work with relationship aggression or to go to your local Domestic Violence Shelter. If this information is withheld, during the assessment phase and aggressive behavior occurs, therapy is contraindicated and will be terminated, for safety reasons. That said, if there has been aggressive behavior which occurred years ago, due to discovering an affair or due to a trauma, and the aggression has stopped, that may be a better indicator for a positive outcome with EFT.

Ongoing Infidelity

If the affair has just been discovered, or is an old wound that goes way back, working on the relationship is very difficult when there is ongoing infidelity. Couples therapy can become extremely complicated and may stall if the affair continues during the therapy. This can result in a waste of time, money and energy because it does not make the process of therapy safe, for either one of you. If you or your partner are still maintaining outside relationships and are unwilling to stop, this creates an impasse that needs to be resolved prior to the start of therapy. EFT Therapy can be highly effective for many couples to heal from the trauma of infidelity, but when the primary relationship is not the focus, therapy may be ineffective.

Ongoing extreme substance abuse struggles

Serious substance abuse issues may exacerbate the couples therapy and the couples therapy may worsen the substance issues initially. Therefore, a thorough assessment may be warranted and if in excess, the therapy may be delayed until an appropriate time. More recent research shows that early trauma and or neglect from primary relationships may be at the root of many substance issues. When children don’t receive the love and connection so necessary to thrive, substances such as alcohol and drugs, become a replacement form of connection as children become adults. Attaching to substances is not a healthy lasting connection, but when partnering at a deeper level becomes safer and more stable the substance can then be replaced by a caring, loving attachment.  If however, the substance continues to be the main focus of the therapy, it is best if the partner receive treatment focused on recover while doing the couples work.  If they are not willing to seek help for recovery, EFT couple therapy will need to end.

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Which couples are best suited for EFT Therapy?

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  • Couples struggling with one another by finding themselves in the same circular fights again and again.
  • Partners who don’t know how to communicate their deeper feelings with one another and are stuck in anger or shut-down.
  • Partners who are so frustrated with their relationship and yet, not sure what to do next.
  • Recovery from affairs, when the third party is no longer in the picture.
  • Significant others desperate to connect with each other  but have no idea how to, which can lead to helplessness and failure because nothing they have tried has worked.
  • Partners who are interested in deepening an already strong relationship.
  • Couples considering married or a serious commitment but are plagued by difficulties, even though they know they love each other.
  • Blended families, where parents experience difficulty coming together on parenting issues.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is designed for couples who are committed to trying to work things out, regardless of how much distress they are in.  Please be advised, while EFT is highly effective for helping many couples struggling with disconnection, the relationship between EFT therapist and couple is essential so please unsure a good fit.

Success in couples counseling requires a commitment because the sessions are weekly in order to prevent the couples from falling back into their automatic, negative cycles. For this reason, if you are someone who has a difficult time following through with what you start, please let me know and we can explore together what gets in your way and find ways to help you stay committed to your relationship journey.  If the sessions are spread out, progress may not only become slow, but may be halting.  A substantial amount of research has been done to learn what makes EFT therapy work, just showing up weekly for therapy can make a big difference.

If you are ready to prioritize your relationship and take steps toward improving it, EFT couples counseling may be just what you need to help you connected to your partner.

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How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive the Freedom not to.

When partners are traumatized by infidelity and betrayal, ‘How Can I Forgive You’ helps the body and heart of the reader begin to explore options to healing. For example,  how not to be caught up the pain that in many cases keeps the person who has been betrayed, hurting more.  It is also helpful for the partner who had the affair, read or listen to, in order for them to better understand the pain their partner is experiencing.  Reading out loud to one another helps provide  healing and creates connection and understanding. Click Here to Order NOW!

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Not Just Friends

The seminal read for partners when an attachment injury such as infidelity has occurred. Shirley Glass helps both the person who cheated and the one who was cheated on understand one another’s experience as though they are in the shoes of the other and what has created these tragic events.  This is a book many cannot put down and is usually devoured when an affair has been recognized.  Please couple this process with Hold Me Tight otherwise it can be too much at one time. Caution:  Creating a timeline of the infidelity,  will only create more PTSD symptoms making it harder to heal.  I am not suggesting that the evens be ignored, they, in fact, need to be processed with the partner in a way the partner can hear the pain not only the rage. Click Here to Order NOW!

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How long does EFT Couples Therapy last?

While there is no exact answer to this question, the research shows that Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) has been demonstrated to help couples without histories of trauma, affairs, addictions, and aggression in as little as 15-22 sessions. This means that if you or your partner have a history of trauma, affairs, addictions, aggression (but not physical abuse), EFT may last longer than 15-22 sessions due to the relationship attachment injuries. It is important to note that outcome research for couples struggling with infidelity who seek EFT have reached higher levels of success than other forms of couple therapy, upwards of 70 to 90%.  Combined with a caring, compassionate EFT therapist, the relationship can even become more connected than before.

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Couples Counseling for Affairs

After helping many couples where there has been infidelity, one of the sure fire ways facilitate the early process of reconnection, is for the partner who had the affair to no longer be involved in anyway with the person they cheated with. I realize that sounds logical, but sadly, after many hours of therapy, time, energy and money, some partners continue their outside relationships, expecting things to change inside the marriage. This is not possible and is actually highly destructive.

What is happening here is that the person who became involved with someone else hasn’t unplugged from the affair partner, so plugging into their spouse or significant other doesn’t happen or is seriously impaired. Those who cheated may feel justified in the affair because of hurts sustained throughout the relationship. Therefore they believe they shouldn’t have to change their behavior, so they continue with the outside relationship, expecting their partner to make changes before they even consider giving their significant other a chance. Sadly, this spells disaster for the primary relationship and unfortunately it means very little success for the couple in couples therapy.

It can be very difficult to let go when we fall for someone outside our primary relationship, and may result in a period of grief and loss while letting go. Not letting go creates more agony for the significant other to be hurt again and again and again and may manifest in anger and frustration, causing the partner who left the relationship to be reluctant to reengage because of their partner’s anger. This becomes a negative cycle associated with infidelity and can be worked through with EFT for couples therapy, unless the outside partner is still in the picture. By maintaining the outside relationship and never giving the partner a chance when the partner really wants it to work and is making changes, this can be very painful for everyone and will ultimately doom the primary relationship.

When working on your relationship involving an affair, you can process the letting go of the outside relationship with the therapist and even the partner in therapy. Sharing what was lost for the one partner and processing the wounds of the violation with the one that cheated, creates openness and transparency. Without the outside relationship the couple can heal and build a deeper level of connection and safety.

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Couples Therapy when there has been an affair

Couples therapy for infidelity or affairs is more effective if the partner who had the affair is no longer engaging in contact with the person they had the affair with.  Many times this is hidden while the couple is in therapy and the therapy stalls for good reason.  Please, do not believe that paying good money, time, energy you can build a bond with your partner if  you are still cheating.