When partners are traumatized by infidelity and betrayal, ‘How Can I Forgive You’ helps the body and heart of the reader begin to explore options to healing. For example, how not to be caught up the pain that in many cases keeps the person who has been betrayed, hurting more. It is also helpful for the partner who had the affair, read or listen to, in order for them to better understand the pain their partner is experiencing. Reading out loud to one another helps provide healing and creates connection and understanding. Click Here to Order NOW!
The seminal read for partners when an attachment injury such as infidelity has occurred. Shirley Glass helps both the person who cheated and the one who was cheated on understand one another’s experience as though they are in the shoes of the other and what has created these tragic events. This is a book many cannot put down and is usually devoured when an affair has been recognized. Please couple this process with Hold Me Tight otherwise it can be too much at one time. Caution: Creating a timeline of the infidelity, will only create more PTSD symptoms making it harder to heal. I am not suggesting that the evens be ignored, they, in fact, need to be processed with the partner in a way the partner can hear the pain not only the rage. Click Here to Order NOW!
While there is no exact answer to this question, the research shows that Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) has been demonstrated to help couples without histories of trauma, affairs, addictions, and aggression in as little as 15-22 sessions. This means that if you or your partner have a history of trauma, affairs, addictions, aggression (but not physical abuse), EFT may last longer than 15-22 sessions due to the relationship attachment injuries. It is important to note that outcome research for couples struggling with infidelity who seek EFT have reached higher levels of success than other forms of couple therapy, upwards of 70 to 90%. Combined with a caring, compassionate EFT therapist, the relationship can even become more connected than before.
After helping many couples where there has been infidelity, one of the sure fire ways facilitate the early process of reconnection, is for the partner who had the affair to no longer be involved in anyway with the person they cheated with. I realize that sounds logical, but sadly, after many hours of therapy, time, energy and money, some partners continue their outside relationships, expecting things to change inside the marriage. This is not possible and is actually highly destructive.
What is happening here is that the person who became involved with someone else hasn’t unplugged from the affair partner, so plugging into their spouse or significant other doesn’t happen or is seriously impaired. Those who cheated may feel justified in the affair because of hurts sustained throughout the relationship. Therefore they believe they shouldn’t have to change their behavior, so they continue with the outside relationship, expecting their partner to make changes before they even consider giving their significant other a chance. Sadly, this spells disaster for the primary relationship and unfortunately it means very little success for the couple in couples therapy.
It can be very difficult to let go when we fall for someone outside our primary relationship, and may result in a period of grief and loss while letting go. Not letting go creates more agony for the significant other to be hurt again and again and again and may manifest in anger and frustration, causing the partner who left the relationship to be reluctant to reengage because of their partner’s anger. This becomes a negative cycle associated with infidelity and can be worked through with EFT for couples therapy, unless the outside partner is still in the picture. By maintaining the outside relationship and never giving the partner a chance when the partner really wants it to work and is making changes, this can be very painful for everyone and will ultimately doom the primary relationship.
When working on your relationship involving an affair, you can process the letting go of the outside relationship with the therapist and even the partner in therapy. Sharing what was lost for the one partner and processing the wounds of the violation with the one that cheated, creates openness and transparency. Without the outside relationship the couple can heal and build a deeper level of connection and safety.
Couples therapy for infidelity or affairs is more effective if the partner who had the affair is no longer engaging in contact with the person they had the affair with. Many times this is hidden while the couple is in therapy and the therapy stalls for good reason. Please, do not believe that paying good money, time, energy you can build a bond with your partner if you are still cheating.
Click here for this beautiful presentation by Dr. Silvina Irwin, depicts the trials and struggles of a couple caught in the dance of pain involving an affair. Very moving, with depth and heart as presented by a skilled EFT clinician.
Even if you are in ongoing marriage counseling or couples therapy or just want to know about very important issues that plague all relationships, read on and watch this video presentation from Dr. Susan Johnson, the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy. Her wisdom on cheating and what it represents(minute 4:50 ) for both partners and how to heal it is very interesting. Also, don’t miss what it means when a partner verbally abuses the other and what is under the anger and biting comments (minute 3:00). You know how everyone tells you you need to have a close connected relationship with your parent or parents in order to have a good relationship with your partner, there is more to that that as well which may surprise you. (minute 8:19). That is not all Dr. Johnson shares with humor and expertise, so sit back watch with your loved one and become more connected.
Oh by the way, once there at the ‘Revitalize’ conference site put on by ‘Mind Body Green’, there is so much else offered about health and healing your won’t want to miss, and it is all accessible to you just by going to the top of the site where Sue gave her presentation here. So check it out especially if you have been feeling sick or exhausted and cannot seem to explain what is happening. There is a ‘love revolution’ happening through Emotionally Focused Therapy along with a ‘health and food revolution’ and Mind Body Green is helping us get it in so many ways. Just the way we need to make changes in our relationship, we need to make changes in what we eat and how we treat our bodies. It is all connected!